In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni
by dayglo1
Summary: Catherine's gone. GC Chapter 18 up
1. One More Time Again

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimir Igni  
Chapter 1-One More Time Again  
  
Summary: Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain/ I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end/ I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend/ But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now  
  
Spoilers: Nope  
  
Disclaimers: Not mine, song's not mine either. Don't sue, I have no money.  
  
Feedback: Makes me very, very happy.  
  
Archive: Sure, just let me know  
  
Author's Notes: Another multi part story. This part's in Grissom's POV. The title is Latin for We Turn a Circle in the Night and are Consumed by the Fire. The song Fire and Rain is by John Taylor.  
  
Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone   
  
I rush into CSI headquarters. I'd gotten a call from Brass and I sped all the way here, telling myself that it can't be true. I find Brass waiting for me in my office. One look at his face and I know that it is. Catherine's gone.  
  
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you   
  
Without a word, he hands me the note that they received. In all my years as a CSI, I have never seen a note like this before. It's not a ransom note, it's simply a note letting us known that he's taken her, whoever HE is.  
  
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song   
I just can't remember who to send it to   
  
I walk out of the office as I yell back to Brass, "Call the rest of the team, we need to find her."  
  
He hurries to catch up to me, "Grissom, the Sheriff isn't going to like…"  
  
I turn on him, "I couldn't give a damn what the Sheriff likes! We're going to find her." He nods as I leave.  
  
I've seen fire and I've seen rain   
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end   
  
The team gets together and I send Warrick and Sara to Catherine's house. She was taken from her driveway. Nick goes to help Greg analyze the note in the lab. I go back to my office, where Lindsey and Catherine's sister Jenny are waiting.  
  
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend   
But I always thought that I'd see you again   
  
Lindsey looks up at me, "Uncle Grissom, where's Mommy?"  
  
I look at her and fight off tears, "I don't know, Linds."  
  
Won't you look down upon me, Jesus   
You've got to help me make a stand   
  
Her eyes fill with tears, "I want Mommy."  
  
I kneel down to her level, "I know you do, and I'm going to do everything I can to find her, okay?"  
  
You've just got to see me through another day   
My body's aching and my time is at hand   
And I won't make it any other way   
  
After they leave, I put my hands to my temples, I can feel a migraine starting, but I won't let it stop me. I've got to find Catherine. I say a silent prayer to a God I'm not sure is even listening, and then I leave to go find the rest of the team.  
  
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain   
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end   
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend   
  
Nick and Greg look up when I come in. "We can't find anything, Gris. There's no fingerprints, fiber, nothing." Nick has just finished speaking when Warrick and Sara come in. "There's no evidence at the house, either." When Warrick is finished, the four look at me, silently asking me what we do next. I have no idea.  
  
But I always thought that I'd see you again   
  
She's gone and there's nothing to tell us where she went or who took her.  
  
Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun   
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around   
  
I sigh, "let's go back to her house and look again. There has to be something."   
  
Warrick looks at me, "but Gris…"  
  
I interrupt him, sharply, "There HAS to be something." He nods and we head back out.  
  
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things   
to come   
  
We're just gotten out of the cars when my cell rings. I motion for them to go on ahead of me as I answer my phone. It's Brass.  
  
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground   
  
"They found a body in the dessert. It matches Catherine's description."  
  
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain   
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end   
  
Time stands still as the world stops turning.  
  
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend   
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now   
  
I can still faintly hear Brass on the other end of the phone, "Gris? You still there? Gris?" But I don't register.  
  
Thought I'd see you one more time again   
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now   
  
She's gone.  
  
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now  
  
TBC 


	2. All Alone

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 2-All Alone  
  
Summary: I will see you in the light of a thousand suns/ I will hear you in the sound of the waves/ I will know you when I come, as we all will come/ Through the doors beyond the grave  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all of the great feedback! This part is in Catherine's POV. It begins slightly before the previous part, then continues into it, somewhat. Sand and Water is by Beth Nielsen Chapman. All other notes and stuff are in the previous part.  
  
All alone I didn't like the feeling  
All alone I sat and cried  
  
I wake, slowly. The first thing I'm conscious of is the searing pain in my head and in my stomach. The second thing I'm aware of is that I can't move. Finally, I realize I'm covered in blood. It takes several more minutes before I recognize the tears streaming down my face.  
  
All alone I had to find some meaning  
In the center of the pain I felt inside  
  
I came home this afternoon after dropping Lindsey off at school. I remember getting out of my car and someone grabbing me from behind. The pain clouds my mind as I try to put the pieces together. I remember a loud noise, a bang? Then pain, and then…nothing.  
  
All alone I came into this world  
All alone I will someday die  
  
I was shot. The realization comes with all the force of a two-ton truck. I was shot, and brought here, and I have no idea why, or where I am. I'm going to die here, and no one is going to know.  
  
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby  
Sand and water, and a million years gone by  
  
I begin to shake, both from fear and from the shock that's slowly setting in. This is the end, and I know it. And I'm not prepared.  
  
I will see you in the light of a thousand suns  
I will hear you in the sound of the waves  
I will know you when I come, as we all will come  
Through the doors beyond the grave  
  
I wonder if the team will ever find me. I expect they will, eventually. I know Grissom won't give up until they have. I trust him. I just wish I could tell him that, but it's too late now. Tears once again begin to fall as I realize that I will never see him or any of the rest of the team again.  
  
All alone I heal this heart of sorrow  
I can only live this day  
Flesh and bone my life's bursting toward tomorrow  
And the love you send my heart still finds it's way   
  
The tears slow and an involuntary smile flits across my face as I think about Lindsey. Just the thought of her calms me. I will miss her so much, but I know she will be taken care of. I know Gil will be there for her. She's strong. She'll be okay.  
  
All alone I came into this world  
All alone I will someday die  
  
I'm so cold. So cold… It's my last conscious thought before I succumb.  
  
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby  
Sand and water and a million years gone by  
  
TBC 


	3. Watchin'

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 3-Watchin'  
  
Summary: I'll be watchin' you/ Oh, can't you see/ You belong to me  
  
Author's Notes: This chapter is in the kidnapper's POV. It takes place at the same time as the previous chapter. For those who asked, the title is Latin for We Turn a Circle in the Night and are Consumed by the Fire. Every Breath You Take is by The Police. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
Every breath you take and every move you make   
Every bond you break, every step you take   
I'll be watchin' you  
  
I watch her begin to move slightly and I know that she is waking up.  
  
Every single day and every word you say   
Every game you play, every night you stay   
I'll be watchin' you   
  
I'm so excited she's finally here. I'd been watching her for months, following every movement, memorizing her routines, her habits, where she went and when, trying to figure out the perfect time to take her.  
  
Oh, can't you see   
You belong to me   
How my poor heart aches   
With every step you take  
  
It wasn't easy, she spends a lot of time with her boss, they always seemed to be together. They're obviously close, too close for my tastes. But that's okay, she's mine now.  
  
Every move you make and every vow you break   
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake   
I'll be watchin' you   
  
Finally, this morning she went to her house by herself. She didn't even have her little brat kid with her. It was the perfect opportunity. I knew exactly when to strike, how to take her. I know everything about her.  
  
Since you've gone I been lost without a trace   
I dream at night, I can only see your face   
I look around but it's you I can't replace   
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace   
I keep cryin', baby, baby, please   
  
I'd noticed her a while ago. She was working a case, another one of my women. I noticed her and I remembered her. I tried to continue to be satisfied with killing other women, but it wasn't enough. It was her I wanted.  
  
Oh, can't you see   
You belong to me   
  
And now it's her I have.  
  
How my poor heart aches   
With every step you take   
Every move you make and every vow you break   
Every smile you fake, every claim you stake   
I'll be watchin' you   
  
Suddenly, movement catches my eye. She's moving again, more. She's shaking violently. The shock is setting in.  
  
Every move you make, every step you take   
  
Then, she stops moving. I grin.  
  
I'll be watchin' you  
  
TBC 


	4. Angels Breathe

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 4-Angels Breathe  
  
Summary: I feel you all around me/ Your memory's so clear/ Deep in the stillness/ I can hear you speak   
  
Author's Notes: This chapter's in Grissom's POV. To Where You Are is by Josh Groban. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
Who can say for certain   
Maybe you're still here   
I feel you all around me   
Your memory's so clear   
  
I drive in total shock back to the lab. Brass said that they can't tell for sure if it's Catherine. It looks like her, but her face is mostly gone. She's also missing her fingers, so we're going to have to rely on DNA to find out for sure. Although a part of me knows that it's her, another part of me just refuses to believe it.  
  
Deep in the stillness   
I can hear you speak   
You're still an inspiration   
  
After all, how can I believe she's gone when I can still hear her in my head, when I still look every time I hear a door close, or footsteps behind me, expecting it to be her? How can she be gone when I can still feel her with me?  
  
Can it be  
That you are my forever love   
And you are watching over me   
From up above   
  
She and I had been getting closer, lately. We had drifted apart for awhile, but after I finally told her about my hearing, we had started being friends again. Recently, we had discussed it possibly becoming something more. Now we'll never know.  
  
Fly me up to where you are   
Beyond the distant star   
I wish upon tonight   
To see you smile   
If only for a while to know you're there   
  
When I enter the lab, Greg's waiting for me, his eyes wide. "What they're saying, is it true?", I wince as his voice cracks at the end. I shake my head, "we don't know for sure yet. I'm going to need you to run the DNA analysis. Can you do that?" I watch Greg steel himself and nod with determination.  
  
A breath away's not far to where you are   
  
After he's left, I head down to the morgue.  
  
Lie gently sleeping   
Here inside my dream   
And isn't faith believing   
All power can't be seen   
  
Doc Robbins is there, waiting for me. He looks up, "there's just no way to tell by a visual analysis." I reluctantly join him, and see that he's right. It definitely looks like her, but there's just no way to tell. Robbins speaks again, "It might not be her Grissom." I numbly nod and leave, unable to be in that room anymore.  
  
As my heart holds you   
Just one beat away   
I cherish all you gave me   
Everyday   
Cause you are my forever love   
Watching me from up above   
  
I sit in my office, waiting for Greg to be done with the test. I know I should probably be out with the rest of the team at Catherine's house, but I can't. Instead, I sit staring at a picture I have on my desk of the two of us.   
  
And I believe that angels breathe   
And that love will love on   
And never leave   
  
I rush into the lab, having received Greg's page. He has the DNA results back. I can barely breathe as I enter the room.  
  
Fly me up to where you are   
Beyond the distant star   
I wish upon tonight   
To see you smile   
If only for a while to know you're there   
  
Without a word, he hands me the results. I feel my chest constrict and spots appear in front of my eyes when I've comprehended what it says. I grab onto the table to keep from collapsing.  
  
A breath away's not far to where you are   
  
I look at Greg, "Run it again."  
  
He looks back at me, shaking his head, "I already have, three times."  
  
"Are you sure, absolutely sure, that this is right?", I have to know. There cannot be any room for doubt in my mind.  
  
I know you're there   
  
Greg looks at me, an uncommonly sober expression on his face, "I'm absolutely positive, Gris. It's not her."  
  
A breath away's not far to where you are  
  
TBC 


	5. Second Wind

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 5-Second Wind  
  
Summary: Sometimes you just want to lay down and die/ That emotion can be so strong/ But hold on/ Till that old second wind comes along  
  
Author's Notes:  Okay, so this story is finally going to be moving forward now.  This story will be 24 chapters.  The chapters will alternate between Grissom, Catherine, and the kidnapper.  That means that since the last chapter was Grissom's POV, this one's Catherine's.  You're Only Human is by Billy Joel.    
  
You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good   
  
The pain's back again.  I almost weep with relief when I realize that I can feel pain.  It means I'm still alive.  At this point, that's all that matters.  
  
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood   
It's alright, it's alright   
Sometimes that's what it takes   
  
Suddenly, a voice breaks into the silence.  "I see you're finally awake."  My heart stops as I hear footsteps come closer.  They stop a ways away from me.  "I've been waiting for this for so long.  Watching you, at the crime scenes, MY crime scenes.  They were all mine, you know."  
  
You're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakes   
  
I fight the urge to cry when I realize what he's talking about.  He was the serial killer we had been tracking for the past several months.  And all that time, he had been tracking me.  I hadn't even realized it.    
  
You better believe there will be times in your life   
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool   
  
How could I have been so stupid?  
  
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents   
Than anything that you could ever learn at school   
  
"You should really be more careful at crime scenes.  You never know who's watching."  Then I hear his footsteps retreat.    
  
Don't forget your second wind   
  
As scared as I am of him, I'm more scared to be left alone in this room again, because I know what that means.  He's leaving me here to die.  I fight the urge to call out to him.  
  
Sooner of later you'll get your second wind   
  
I don't want to die here, alone.  I need to figure out a way to survive this, somehow.  
  
It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain   
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again   
It's alright, it's alright   
Though you feel your heart break   
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache  
  
I still hold onto the hope that Gil'll find me.  That he and the team will figure out where I am.  But I know there's a slim chance of that happening.  After all, we've been tracking this guy for months, and we weren't ever able to find him.  They probably won't even connect my disappearance to him.  
  
Just like a boxer in a title fight   
You got to walk in that ring all alone   
  
That means I'm going to have to save myself.  
  
You're not the only one who's made mistakes   
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own   
  
But I don't know if I can.  The pain is almost overwhelming now.  I can tell there's now something covering my wound to slow down the bleeding, but it's only a matter of time.  
  
Don't forget your second wind   
  
I tentatively try the restraints holding me down, try to see if there's any give.  
  
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in   
  
Even just a little would give me the hope I need.  
  
You've been keeping to yourself these days   
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong   
  
Then I hear his voice again, laughing.  And I know.  There will be no give.  
  
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die   
That emotion can be so strong   
But hold on   
Till that old second wind comes along   
  
The words resound in my mind.  There will be no give.  He made sure I wouldn't be able to escape.  I angrily blink back the tears that threaten to escape and try to figure out something else.  
  
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else   
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself   
  
Then he speaks again, "There's no way out."  
  
It's alright, it's alright   
Sometimes that's all it takes   
  
I refuse to believe him.  To believe him is to willingly give up my life.  
  
We're only human   
We're supposed to make mistakes   
  
I try twisting my body to the side, but the pain that shoots through me almost makes me black out again.  And so I lie on my side, gasping for breath as tears stream down my cheeks.  
  
But I survived all those long lonely days   
When it seemed I did not have a friend   
Cause all I needed was a little faith   
So I could catch my breath and face the world again   
  
I force myself to lie still, even after I've gotten my breathing and crying under control.  I need to be much more careful about how I move.  
  
Don't forget your second wind   
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in   
  
When I think it's wise, I again move, this time returning to my back.  
  
Don't forget your second wind   
  
I decide to lie on my back for awhile, to let my body and mind regroup, before I try something else again.  I steadfastly ignore the laughing I can hear.  I will find a way out.  
  
Sooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in   
  
TBC 


	6. How I Say

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 5-How I Say  
  
Summary:  You Can Do it Your Own Way/ If It's Done Just How I Say/ Independence Limited/ Freedom of Choice/ Choice Is Made for You My Friend  
  
Author's Notes:  The song Eye of the Beholder is by Metallica.   
  
Do You See What I See?   
  
I continue to laugh as I watch her struggle.  She's trying to get out.  There's no use.  
  
Truth Is an Offence   
Your Silence for Your Confidence   
  
There's no way out.  
  
Do You Hear What I Hear?   
Doors Are Slamming Shut   
  
As entertaining as it is to watch her, it's time for the next part of my game.  I leave the room I'm in, closing the door quietly behind me.  
  
Limit Your Imagination, Keep You Where They must   
  
I don't want her to know I'm gone.  
  
Do You Feel What I Feel?   
Bittering Distress   
  
Once in my office, I make my call.  "Grissom."  I smile at the obvious distress in his voice.  
  
Who Decides What You Express   
  
"Okay, Mr. Grissom, listen to me…"  
  
He's apparently not interested in listening to me, "Who are you?  Do you have Catherine?  If you hurt her, so help me…"  
  
Do You Take What I Take?   
  
I cut him off,  "You're going to want to be quiet now.  I have her, so I call the shots."  
  
Endurance Is the Word   
Moving Back Instead of Forward Seems to Me Absurd   
  
He's quiet.  That's better.  "You're going to want to keep your temper under control if you want to have any chance of seeing her again."  
  
Doesn't Matter What You See   
Or into it What You Read   
  
There's a pause, then he speaks again.  I can hear him trying to control his anger, "What do I need to do?"  
  
You Can Do it Your Own Way   
If It's Done Just How I Say   
  
I smile, "That's better.  Just do as I say."  
  
Independence Limited   
Freedom of Choice   
Choice Is Made for You My Friend   
  
He listens intently to my instructions.  He's willing to do anything to get her back.  Too bad it's already too late.  
  
Freedom of Speech   
Speech Is Words That They Will Bend   
Freedom with Their Exception   
  
When I'm done, I hear him hesitate, then ask, "Is Catherine still alive?"  
  
"Yes," then I hang up.  
  
Do You Fear What I Fear?   
Living Properly   
Truths to You Are Lies to Me   
  
Of course she won't be by the time they finally find her, but that's beside the point.  He didn't ask that.  
  
Do You Choose What I Choose?   
More Alternives   
Energy Derives from Both the plus and Negative   
  
I go back into my watching room.  I furrow my brow.  She's stopped moving.  She can't be dead.  Not yet.  My plan's not finished.  
  
Do You Need What I Need?   
Boundaries Overthrown   
  
I slam the door between our rooms and she starts.  Good, she's still alive.  
  
Look Inside to Each His Own   
Do You Trust What I Trust?   
Me, Myself and I   
  
Satisfied she's still breathing for the time being, I start cleaning up the room.  Can't leave anything behind that would point to who I am.  
  
Penetrate the Smoke Screen I See Through the Selfish lie   
  
With a little luck, they won't even realize I'm the serial killer they've been looking for, just some random psycho.  I grin.  If they only knew.  
  
Doesn't Matter What You See   
Or into it What You Read   
You Can Do it Your Own Way   
If It's Done Just How I Say   
  
I enter the room.  She's losing consciousness fast, but she still manages to glare at me and grit out, "Let me go."    
I smile, "all in good time."  
  
Independence Limited   
Freedom of Choice   
Choice Is Made for You My Friend   
  
I then check her restraints, she's managed to loosen them, a bit.  I tighten them, there's no way she'll loosen them now.  
  
Freedom of Speech   
Speech Is Words That They Will Bend   
Freedom with Their Exception   
  
Satisfied, I go back to call Mr. Grissom again.  Time for some more fun.  
  
Do You Know What I Know?   
Your Money End Your Wealth   
  
"Do you have the money?"  
  
I can hear the panic in his voice, "You said four hours, it's only been two."  
  
I grin, this will be so fun, "I changed my mind.  Now it's two.  Do you have the money?"  
  
"Not yet, just give me more time…"  
  
"No more time, Mr. Grissom.  She's as good as dead."    
  
Your Silence Just to Hear Your Self   
  
There is utter silence on the phone.  
  
Do You Want What I Want?   
Desire Not a Thing   
  
Then he speaks again, "NO, please…"  
  
"It's too late, Mr. Grissom."  
  
I Hunger after Independence Lengthen Freedom's Ring   
  
"Goodbye."  I hang up the phone before he has a chance to respond.  
  
Doesn't Matter What You See   
Or into it What You Read   
You Can Do it Your Own Way   
If It's Done Just How I Say   
Independence Limited   
Freedom of Choice   
Choice Is Made for You My Friend   
Freedom of Speech   
Speech Is Words That They Will Bend   
  
I can just imagine the look of horror on his face and the guilt he must be feeling.  If he only knew he never had a chance.  There was never any chance I'd give her back to them.  This was all just a game to me.  
  
Freedom no longer frees you   
  
And I won.  
  
Doesn't Matter What You See   
Or into it What You Read   
You Can Do it Your Own Way   
If It's Done Just How I Say   
  
TBC 


	7. The Hand of a Devil

Title:  In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 7-The Hand of a Devil  
  
Summary:  You broke the bonds and you/ Loosed the chains/ Carried the cross/ Of my shame  
  
Author's Notes:  I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For is by U2.  All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
I have climbed highest mountain  
I have run through the fields  
Only to be with you  
  
I rejoin the rest of the team at Catherine's house.  I tell them the good news, that the body's not Catherine's.  We get back to work with renewed determination.  
  
Only to be with you  
  
We still have reason to hope.  
  
I have run   
I have crawled  
I have scaled these city walls  
  
We go over every inch of her driveway, spray for blood, we check everywhere.  
  
These city walls  
Only to be with you                           
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
But we can't find anything.  
  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
We head back to the lab, frustrated.  We don't know what to do next.  
  
I have kissed honey lips  
Felt the healing in her fingertips  
It burned like fire  
This burning desire  
  
I tell Warrick to drive.  I'm so upset right now I'd probably crash.  She means everything to me, and I can't help her.  
  
I have spoke with the tongue of angels  
  
I sit in my office, with my head in my hands.  The rest of the team is waiting in the break room for my next instructions, but I have no instructions to give.  Finally, it's all just too much, "What the hell am I supposed to do now?!"  But no one answers my anguished cry.  She's not here to.  
  
I have held the hand of a devil  
  
The phone rings, interrupting my private torment.  "Grissom"  
  
A smug voice answers, "Okay, Mr. Grissom, listen to me-"  
  
It's him.  I know it is as well as I know my name.  With that knowledge, something inside me snaps, "Who are you?  Do you have Catherine?  If you hurt her, so help me-"  
  
He interrupts me, "You're going to want to be quiet now.  I have her, so I call the shots.  You're going to want to keep your temper under control if you want to have any chance of seeing her again."    
  
I force myself to swallow my anger, "What do I need to do?"  
  
"That's better.  Just do as I say."  
  
He tells me what he wants-money.  It takes every fiber of my being not to scream obscenities at him.  All this, just for money.  Finally, he's done.  Girding up all of my courage, I ask the question that haunts me, "Is Catherine still alive?"  
  
"Yes," and before I can respond, he's gone.  
  
It was warm in the night  
  
For two hours, I try frantically to come up with the money.  A tap is put on my phone for when he calls again.  The rest of the team has left.  Brass thinks he's found Catherine's car.  
  
I was cold as a stone                   
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
Then, the phone rings.  I freeze.  It can't be him, it's only been two hours.  He said I had four.  I pick up the phone.  
  
"Do you have the money?"  
  
NO, it can't be.  I panic, "You said four hours, it's only been two."  
  
I can hear him smiling across the line, "Now it's two.  Do you have the money?"  
  
I plead with him, "Not yet, just give me more time-"  
  
"No more time, Mr. Grissom.  She's as good as dead."    
  
I freeze for a moment.  This can't be happening, not when we're so close, "NO, please-"  
  
"It's too late, Mr. Grissom.  Goodbye."    
  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
He hangs up, and I drop my head to my desk.  She's gone.  We have no more chances.  
  
I believe in the kingdom come  
Then all the colors will bleed into one  
  
I hear Archie come into the room.  I look up, "Was he on the phone long enough?"  He shakes his head.  
  
Bleed into one  
  
I don't hear anything after that.  Not because I can't, I don't want to.    
  
Well yes I'm still running  
  
Suddenly, I get up out of my chair and bolt from the room, leaving a confused Archie in my wake.  
  
You broke the bonds and you  
Loosed the chains  
Carried the cross  
Of my shame  
  
I reach the restroom just in time.  I kneel and heave, unable to stop either that or the tears streaming down my face.  I hope that no one comes in.  I can't let anyone see me like this, but I can't make it stop.  
  
Of my shame  
  
She's gone.  I failed her.  
  
You know I believed it                               
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
Once I've stopped, I compose myself and exit.  I re-enter my office and find the team there, waiting for me.  They all look uncomfortable.  Finally, Warrick steps forward and speaks, "It was her car."  
  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for  
  
There's silence.  I wait for the other shoe to drop, there's something they're not telling me.  Then, he speaks again, "The inside was covered in blood."  
  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...  
  
TBC 


	8. When I'm Scared

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 8-When I'm Scared  
  
Summary: Everything I am,/ And everything in me,/ Wants to be the one you wanted me to be./ I'll never let you down,/ Even if I could,/ Give up everything,/ If only for your good,/ So hold me when I'm here,/ Love me when I'm wrong,/ Hold me when I'm scared,/ You won't always be there,/ So love me when I'm gone.   
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all of the great feedback! When I'm Gone is by 3 Doors Down. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
*There's another world inside of me that you may never see,*   
  
I want to scream. After hours of struggling, I've managed to loosen my bonds, a little. Now he's come and tightened them again. There's no way I have the strength to loosen them again.  
  
*There's secrets in this life I can't hide.*   
  
After he leaves, a lone tear rolls down my cheek. I no longer have the strength for anything more.  
  
*Well, somewhere in this darkness, there's a light that I can't find   
Well, maybe its too far away, maybe I'm just blind*   
  
The only thing that's keeping me sane is believing that Gill will find me in time. As improbable as that hope is, I have to keep believing.  
  
*Maybe I'm just blind,*   
  
It's all I have left.  
  
*So hold me when I'm here,   
Love me when I'm wrong,   
Hold me when I'm scared,   
And love me when I'm gone.*   
  
Gil and I, we had been on the periphery of something wonderful before this happened. We were finally ready to allow ourselves the chance to make our friendship into something more.  
  
*Everything I am,   
And everything in me,   
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.*   
  
I was so happy when I got home from work this morning, for once everything was going my way. For a crystalline moment, everything seemed perfect.  
  
*I'll never let you down,   
Even if I could,*   
  
I will not die here. I will not allow all that Gil and I have fought so long for be taken away by a madman.  
  
*Give up everything,   
If only for your good,*   
  
I will win.  
  
*So hold me when I'm here,   
Love me when I'm wrong,*   
  
Another tear slips past my defenses.  
  
*Hold me when I'm scared,   
You won't always be there,   
So love me when I'm gone.*   
  
I wish Gil was here.  
  
*So love me when I'm gone*  
  
I don't want to be alone anymore.  
  
*When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin,   
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.*   
  
I force myself to stop the tears when I hear laughter.   
  
*Now roaming through this darkness,   
I'm alive but I'm alone,*   
  
I will not let him think he broke me.  
  
*Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.*   
  
Except maybe he has.  
  
*So hold me when I'm here,   
Love me when I'm wrong,*   
  
I hope Lindsey's okay. I'm so glad she wasn't with me when this happened. If something had happened to her because of me, I would never forgive myself.  
  
*Hold me when I'm scared,*   
  
I don't know how she'll cope. She's already lost her father. Now she's going to lose her mother, too.  
  
*And love me when I'm gone.*   
  
I hope she knows just how much I love her.  
  
*Everything I am,   
And everything in me,   
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.*   
  
Since she was born, I have tried so hard to be someone she could be proud of. I stopped doing coke, I stopped dancing, she deserved more than a mother like that.  
  
*I'll never let you down,   
Even if I could,*   
  
I hope she's proud of me.  
  
*Give up everything,   
If only for your good,*   
  
That's all I ever wanted from her.  
  
*So hold me when I'm here,   
Love me when I'm wrong,*   
  
I know Jenny's probably taking care of her right now. And Gil will help after…  
  
*Hold me when I'm scared,*   
  
After.  
  
*You won't always be there,   
So love me when I'm gone.*   
  
They'll make sure she knows just how much I loved her.  
  
*Maybe I'm just blind.*   
  
I blink back the tears threatening as I hear him enter the room again.  
  
*So hold me when I'm here,   
Love me when I'm wrong,*   
  
I can hear him coming closer to me. When he kneels by me, I want to flinch away, but I don't have the energy to. He begins to undo my restraints.  
  
*Hold me when I'm scared,*   
  
I am finally free, and I don't have the strength to escape. What's going to happen now?  
  
*And love me when I'm gone.*  
  
TBC 


	9. It Comes to Be

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 9-It Comes to Be  
  
Summary: Don't it feel right like this/ All the pieces fall to his wish/ Suck up for that quick reward boy  
  
Author's Notes: The song No Leaf Clover is by Metallica. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
*And it feels right this time   
On this crash course we're in the big time*   
  
I pack up the last of my things. I'm almost ready to go.  
  
*Pay no mind to the distant thunder*   
  
It's time for us to leave.  
  
*Beauty fills his head with wonder, boy....   
Says it feels right this time   
Turn around, found new high lights*   
  
I enter the room. She's not moving at all anymore, but her eyes are still open. She's busily blinking back tears, so I know she's still alive.  
  
*Good day to be alive Sir*   
  
Although she won't be for much longer.  
  
*Good day to be alive, he said.....*   
  
I grin.  
  
*Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel   
is just a freight train coming your way*   
  
I go over and kneel by her and undo her restraints.  
  
*Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel   
is just the freight train coming your way*   
  
It's time for this to end.  
  
*Don't it feel right like this   
All the pieces fall to his wish   
Suck up for that quick reward boy*   
  
By the look in her eyes, I can tell she's afraid, that she wants to get away from me, but it's too late for that now.  
  
*Suck up for that quick reward they said.....*   
  
When I'm done, I pick her up and take her out to my car.  
  
*Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel   
is just a freight train coming your way*   
  
I put her in the back seat and close the door. I get in the driver's side and am about to start the car when I realize I left the restraints in the house. Damn it! I can't let anyone find them.  
  
*Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel   
is just the freight train coming your way......   
It's coming your way*   
  
I'm going to have to go back and get them. I quickly exit the car and run into the house. I know there's no way she's going to be able to escape in the condition she's in, but I'm not taking any chances.  
  
*It's coming your way......   
Here comes*   
  
I quickly grab the restraints and head back towards the door.  
  
*Yeah, Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel   
Is just a freight train coming your way.... Yeah...   
Then it comes to be, Yeah...   
Then it comes to be, Yeah...*   
  
I step outside just in time to see police cars surround the area.   
  
*Then it comes to be, Yeah...   
Then it comes to be, Yeah...*   
  
I freeze. They all get out with their guns drawn.  
  
*Then it comes to be, Yeah...   
Then it comes to be, Yeah...*   
  
This isn't how it was supposed to be.  
  
*Then it comes to be, Yeah...   
Then it comes to be, Yeah*  
  
TBC 


	10. On a Prayer

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
  
Chapter 10-On a Prayer  
  
Summary: You're changing all that is and used to be/ On a prayer, in   
  
a song/ I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on/ Raining down,   
  
against the wind/ I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end/   
  
When you come back to me again   
  
Author's Notes: The song When You Come Back to Me Again is by Garth Brooks.   
  
*There's a ship out, on the ocean   
  
At the mercy of the sea   
  
It's been tossed about, lost and broken   
  
Wandering aimlessly*   
  
I force myself to speak, "Do we know it's her blood?"  
  
The look on Warrick's face tells me. It has to be. It's the only   
  
thing that makes sense. But I don't want to believe it. "Have Greg   
  
run it. We can't take any chances." He nods reluctantly and leaves.  
  
*And God somehow you know that ship is me*   
  
Nick and Sara remain in the office, looking at me. The question on   
  
their faces is obvious, what do we do now?  
  
*'Cause there's a lighthouse, in the harbor   
  
Shining faithfully   
  
Pouring its light out, across the water   
  
For this sinking soul to see   
  
That someone out there still believes in me*   
  
I steady myself before I begin to talk again. "Nick, go help   
  
Archie. We weren't able to keep the guy on the phone long enough for   
  
a trace, but there might be some clues in the background noise."   
  
When he's left, I turn to Sara, "Talk to me. Tell me everything you   
  
guys found at the car."  
  
*On a prayer, in a song   
  
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on*   
  
For the next half hour, Sara meticulously goes over everything they   
  
found, and I listen intently, determined not to miss a thing.  
  
*Raining down, against the wind   
  
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end   
  
When you come back to me again*   
  
We're going to find her. Even if it's too late, we're going to find   
  
her. Even if she's gone, I have to know that there was nothing else   
  
that I could do.   
  
*There's a moment we all come to   
  
In our own time and our own space*   
  
I have to know.  
  
*Where all that we've done, we can undo   
  
If our heart's in the right place*   
  
We all meet together in my office again. Warrick goes first, "the   
  
blood's definitely hers. There was also a bullet. She was shot,   
  
Gris."   
  
I fight the tears, "Could she still be alive?"  
  
This time, Greg speaks, "There was a lot of blood." He isn't able to   
  
go any further. He doesn't need to.  
  
Nick clears his throat, "We might have something."  
  
All eyes turn to him and Archie. Nick nods to Archie, who takes   
  
over. "In the background we found what sounds like a small plane   
  
taking off."  
  
*On a prayer, in a song   
  
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on*   
  
Sara turns to me, "her car was found less than two miles away from a   
  
private airstrip".  
  
*Raining down, against the wind   
  
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end*   
  
This is it, this is what we need. I grab my things and head out the   
  
door, calling back to the team as I do. "Warrick, call Brass, tell   
  
him where we're going, that we need back-up units with us. Nick and   
  
Sara, come with me."  
  
*When you come back to me again*   
  
"We don't have much time".  
  
*And again I see my yesterday's in front of me   
  
Unfolding like a mystery*   
  
As Nick drives, it's all I can do to keep from telling him to go   
  
faster. We're so close, I know it. A single phrase repeats itself   
  
in my mind, again and again, "Please don't let us be too late.   
  
Please don't let us be too late. Please…"  
  
*You're changing all that is and used to be*   
  
After a point, we don't really know where we're going, and our   
  
entourage slows down. She's probably somewhere in the vicinity, but   
  
where? Eventually, we arrive at a house. A man comes out, covered   
  
in blood. We all get out of our cars, guns drawn.  
  
*On a prayer, in a song   
  
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on   
  
Raining down, against the wind   
  
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end*   
  
He pauses, and looks at us. I can't help but wonder if this is the   
  
guy. Then he glances toward his car.  
  
*When you come back to me again*   
  
And I see the wisp of red hair.  
  
*When you come back to me again*   
  
TBC 


	11. When the Sun Comes Out Again

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
  
Chapter 11-When the Sun Comes Out Again  
  
Summary: As I lay me down to sleep this I pray/ That you will hold   
  
me dear/ Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name/ Into the sky,   
  
and I will wake up happy  
  
Author's Notes: As I Lay Me Down is by Sophie B. Hawkins. All other   
  
notes and stuff are in the first chapter. All my fic can be found at   
  
my website: www.geocities.com/dayglo1983.   
  
*It felt like Springtime on this February morning  
  
In a courtyard birds were singing your praise*  
  
He's gone. I don't know why or where he went, but he's gone. Tears   
  
start to stream down my face. The moment I've been waiting for is   
  
finally here, and I can't do anything about. Then, I hear a voice   
  
inside my head. It's Gil.  
  
*I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel  
  
All right I carry them with me today now*  
  
I stop crying, and I hear it again, "Hold on." I can feel him with   
  
me. He wants me to hold on.  
  
*As I lay me down to sleep this I pray   
  
That you will hold me dear*  
  
I don't know how much longer I can, but I will for as long as I'm   
  
able. He's coming. I know it.  
  
*Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name  
  
Into the sky, and I will wake up happy*  
  
"You better hurry Gil", I whisper. "I don't know how much long I can   
  
do this."  
  
*I wonder why I feel so high   
  
Though I am not above the sorrow  
  
Till you call my name and it sounds like church bells  
  
Or the whistle of a train on a Summer evening*  
  
Even though I can feel the life draining out of me, I am no longer   
  
afraid. I can feel him with me, and I can hear him in my head, in my   
  
heart, in my soul.  
  
*I went to meet you barefoot, barely breathing*  
  
And it is enough.  
  
*As I lay me down to sleep this I pray   
  
That you will hold me dear*  
  
Things are starting to get more and more hazy, but I hang onto the   
  
voice in my head, urgently pleading with me to hold on.  
  
*Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name  
  
Into the sky, and I will wake up happy*   
  
Then, I hear cars pull to a stop outside. Someone's here.   
  
*As I lay me down to sleep this I pray   
  
That you will hold me dear  
  
Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name  
  
Into the sky, and I will wake up happy*  
  
"Put your hands up." I'd know that voice anywhere. Even when I'm   
  
gone, I'll know that voice. "Gil".  
  
*It's not too near for me like a flower I need the rain  
  
Thought it's not clear to me every season has its change*  
  
There's utter silence and I begin to become afraid. What's going on?  
  
*And I will see you when the sun comes out again*  
  
Then I hear a gunshot, and I close my eyes, dread settling over me.   
  
*And I wait for and I wait for, and I wait for  
  
When the sun comes out again*  
  
What just happened?  
  
*When the sun comes out again*  
  
Suddenly the car door opens. It takes a moment for my eyes to   
  
focus. When they do, they begin to fill with tears. He's here.  
  
*When the sun comes out, when the sun comes out*  
  
There's so much I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I knew   
  
he'd come, that even when I was sure he wouldn't in time, deep down I   
  
knew he would find me eventually. I want to tell him to take care of   
  
Lindsey, to make sure she always knows how much I loved her. I want   
  
to tell him to keep the team together, to help them through this. I   
  
want to tell him I love him and that I'm so, so sorry…  
  
*When the sun comes out again  
  
And we gotta keep holding on*  
  
He softly strokes back my hair, "Hold on", he whispers, "Helps   
  
coming, just hold on." But I can't. It's too late now.  
  
*We gotta keep holding on, we gotta keep holding on*  
  
The world around me begins to dim, and as his face fades like the   
  
stars at dawn when they no longer have the strength to fight the sun,   
  
I force a single word out past my lips, almost like a prayer, "Gil".  
  
*I will wake up happy*  
  
TBC 


	12. When It's All Been Said or Done

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 12-When It's All Been Said or Done  
Summary: And all the deeds of yesterday/ Have really helped to pave my way  
Author's Notes: The song Watch Me Bleed is by Tears for Fears. All other  
notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
Heaven comes to he who waits  
But I know I'm getting nowhere  
  
"Put your hands up!" I don't, but I don't move either. Instead, I just  
stand there, weighing my options. I need to make a decision.  
  
And all the deeds of yesterday  
Have really helped to pave my way  
  
Although, really, there's only one decision to make.  
  
Though there's no one near me now  
  
I make a grab for my gun. I want it to be known that I went down with my  
gun in my hand.  
  
How come everyone can touch me  
  
Except I never get to it. In an instant, I feel pain like fire rip through  
my chest.  
  
You see the torture on my brow  
Relates to neither here nor now  
  
I lie on the ground, my hand still inside my jacket, where it had gone to  
get my weapon.  
  
Watch me bleed  
Bleed forever  
  
I hear footsteps run by me and am able to lift my head up just enough to  
see Mr. Grissom run by me and to the car.  
  
Although my face is straight, it lies  
My body feels the Pain and cries  
Here the table is not bare  
I am full but feeling empty  
For all the warmth it feels so cold  
For one so young I feel so old  
  
I keep a straight face as I feel my life seep out of me. I don't flinch  
when I hear him call to her. They will not know what this does to me.  
  
Watch me bleed  
  
No one comes to help me. I can hear people calling for medical attention,  
but no one comes to my aid.  
  
Bleed forever  
  
They're just going to let me die. After all, I tried to take out one of  
their own.  
  
It's not allowed to be unkind  
But still the hate lives in my mind  
  
If only they knew that I have succeeded.  
  
I'll make no noise  
I'll hide my pain  
I'll close my eyes  
I won't complain  
I'll lie right back and take the blame  
  
Everything is blurring, and I can tell I don't have much time left. But I  
am aware enough to hear Mr. Grissom's anguished shouts for help. With the  
last of my strength, I smile. This was always just a game to me.  
  
And try to tell myself I'm living  
  
And I won.  
  
And when it's all been said or done  
Where do I go?  
Where do I run?  
What's left of me or anyone when we've denied the hurting ?  
TBC 


	13. Mercy Be Revealed

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 13-Mercy Be Revealed  
  
Summary: is misery/ made beautiful/ right before our eyes/ will mercy be  
revealed/ or blind us where we stand  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, so obviously the POV's can no longer go the way they  
have been. So for now, I'll go back to saying who's POV it is at the  
beginning of each chapter. This chapter is still Grissom's POV. The song  
Witness is by Sarah McLachlan. All other notes and stuff are in the first  
chapter.  
  
Make me a witness  
take me out  
out of darkness  
out of doubt  
  
He looks again at the car and I know that Catherine's in it.  
  
I won't weigh you down  
with good intention  
won't make fire out of clay  
or other inventions  
  
"Put your hands up!"  
  
will we burn in heaven  
like we do down here  
will the change come  
while we're waiting  
  
We all hold our guns steady as we wait to see what he'll do next.  
  
everyone is waiting  
  
For a moment, nobody moves.  
  
and when we're done  
soul searching  
  
Then he makes a move for what I assume is his gun. And, without a second  
thought, I fire my own.  
  
as we carried the weight  
and died for the cause  
  
He drops to the ground. He's not dead, but he will be shortly. I run past  
him to Cath.  
  
is misery  
made beautiful  
right before our eyes  
  
She's lying on the backseat. She's covered in blood. Her eyes fill with  
tears when she realizes who it is. I softly stroke back her hair, "Hold  
on," I whisper, "Help's coming, just hold on."  
  
will mercy be revealed  
or blind us where we stand  
  
The tears slowly overflow, "Gil." Then her eyes close and she is still.  
  
will we burn in heaven.  
  
TBC 


	14. Angels Watching Over Me

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 14-Angels Watching Over Me  
  
Summary: Every soul is filled with light/ It never ends and if I'm right/  
Our love can even reach across eternity/ I believe, I believe  
  
Author's Notes: I Believe is by Diamond Rio. All other notes and stuff  
are in the first chapter.  
  
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin  
I feel you come back again  
And it's like you haven't been gone a moment from my side  
  
Where am I? It's dark and I can't see or hear anything. Is this what it's  
like to be dead? I feel tears roll down my cheeks. We were so close. Gil  
was right there. If I could have just lasted a few more minutes until the  
ambulance came. But I just wasn't strong enough.  
  
Like the tears were never cried  
Like the hands of time are holding you and me  
  
For a brief moment, when he opened the door, I didn't feel any pain. All I  
was aware of was him. He had come, just like I knew he would. But it was  
too little too late.  
  
And with all my heart I'm sure we're closer than we ever were  
I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need  
There are more than angels watching over me  
I believe, I believe  
  
But at least I can feel this peace, knowing that at least he knows what  
happened. And I know he will be there for Lindsey. He'll watch over her  
just like he's always watched over me.  
  
That when you die your life goes on  
It doesn't end here when you're gone  
  
The tears begin to slow. I might be dead, but I'm not gone. As long as  
there are people who still remember me, who cared about me, I will never be  
truly gone.  
  
Every soul is filled with light  
It never ends and if I'm right  
Our love can even reach across eternity  
  
Gil will never let my memory die within him. And he'll never let it die  
within Lindsey, either.  
  
I believe, I believe  
  
I know that.  
  
Forever, you're a part of me  
Forever, in the heart of me  
And I'll hold you even longer if I can  
  
I'm ready to go now. I don't want to, but I'm ready to.  
  
The people who don't see the most  
Say that I believe in ghosts  
And if that makes me crazy, then I am  
  
There's a white flash of light, and I see a figure approaching. At first I  
can't make him out, but then I can. It's Eddie. I don't know whether to  
laugh or cry. So much for heaven. He stops a ways off, then looks at me.  
"Go back". I look at him in confusion. He waves me off, "Go back. You're  
not done yet. Go back".  
  
'Cause I believe  
  
"Lindsey still needs you. Go back".  
I shake my head, "I can't".  
"Yes you can Catherine!", his face softens. "You're stronger than I ever  
was. I see that now."  
  
There are more than angels watching over me  
  
"Go back."  
  
I believe, I believe  
  
He begins to fade away, and I am left once again in limbo. But at least  
now I know what I need to do.  
  
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin  
  
I slowly become aware of a steady beeping and people murmuring. I am  
suddenly conscious of somebody holding my hand. Even barely coherent, I  
know who it is. I will always recognize him.  
  
And I feel you come back again  
  
I force my eyes open and find myself staring into Gil's worried face.  
  
And I believe  
  
TBC 


	15. Heaven In Your Eyes

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 15-Heaven in Your Eyes  
Summary: So close your tired eyes, precious angel of mine/ And let my love  
surround you in the dark/ As sure as the sun that rises/ You'll have all  
you desire/ So rest your wishes in the cradle of my arms/ And lay your  
dreams down in my Rock-A-Bye Heart  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all of the great feedback! The rest of this  
story will alternate between Grissom and Catherine's POV's. This one's  
Grissom's. The song Rock-a-Bye Heart is by Steve Holy.  
  
This world is full of high's and low's  
Wide open smiles and tears that flow  
And you're bound to have your share of both  
That's guaranteed  
  
I've been sitting by Catherine's side for the past six hours, ever since  
she came out of surgery. The doctors said that it had been touch and go  
and they didn't know if she'd ever wake up. As I continue to hold her  
hand, I will her to. She has to. She just has to. I feel a slight  
stirring and look down. Tears overflow and run down my face as I see her  
staring up at me.  
  
Sometimes you'll fly, sometimes you'll fall  
Sometimes you'll dance around it all  
  
I stroke her cheek, "hey", I whisper. She tries to smile, but then pain  
shadows her face. I quickly push the call button for a nurse and softly  
stroke back her hair. "It's okay, a nurse is coming."  
  
But on your knees or standin' tall  
You can always count on me  
  
When the nurse arrives, she kicks me out of the room as the doctor comes.  
While I'm waiting to be let back in, I call Warrick and tell him she's  
awake. Then I call Cath's sister. She promises to bring Lindsey over  
right away. The doctor steps out of the room, shaking his head, "It's a  
miracle, but it looks like she'll recover. She's going to have to stay  
here for at least a couple of weeks, and she still has a lot of  
recuperating and pain to go through, but she'll be okay."  
  
I nod, "I'll be there for her."  
  
So close your tired eyes, precious angel of mine  
And let my love surround you in the dark  
As sure as the sun that rises  
You'll have all you desire  
  
When I re-enter the room, I again reach for her hand. It's obvious she's  
fighting sleep, so I resume stroking her hair. "Go to sleep. Your  
sister's bringing Lindsey over in a bit. You'll want to be awake when she  
does." I smile as her eyes drift closed.  
  
So rest your wishes in the cradle of my arms  
And lay your dreams down in my Rock-A-Bye Heart  
  
I watch her as she sleeps. I know there's a long road ahead of her, but  
I'm going to be there for her every step of the way. I'm not leaving her  
again.  
  
You're the answer to a lifelong prayer  
There's heaven in your eyes, I swear  
One look and you can take me there  
That's all I need  
  
By the time she awakes, Lindsey has joined us and is quietly talking to me.  
The look in Cath's eyes when she sees her daughter makes my heart soar.  
Lindsey looks at her mother and gently places her hand on her cheek as she  
cries, "Hi, mommy".  
  
Your laugh is music to my ears  
You cry and I can taste the tears  
And I'll forever be right here  
To watch you as you dream  
  
Catherine grins, "Hi baby." I feel as though I'm intruding on a family  
moment, so I get up to leave. I feel a tug on my hand and look down at  
Catherine, "Please don't go." I nod as I resume my seat and brush away the  
tears on her cheeks.  
  
So close your tired eyes, precious angel of mine  
And let my love surround you in the dark  
As sure as the sun that rises  
You'll have all you desire  
So rest your wishes in the cradle of my arms  
And lay your dreams down in my Rock-A-Bye Heart  
  
She quickly tires and Lindsey returns to Jenny after saying good-bye. I  
sit and quietly talk to her as she falls back asleep.  
  
Sure as the sun that rises  
You'll have all you desire  
  
In the hallway, I hear Warrick's voice and Lindsey's responding laughter.  
And I grin.  
  
So rest your wishes in the cradle of my arms  
  
We're going to be okay.  
  
And lay your dreams down in my Rock-A-Bye Heart  
  
TBC 


	16. Pulled From the Wreckage

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 16-Pulled From the Wreckage  
  
Summary: I need some distraction/ or beautiful release/ memory seeps from  
my veins/ let me be empty/ and weightless and maybe/ I'll find some peace  
tonight  
  
Author's Notes: Hope you all enjoyed the relative lightness of the last  
chapter, because the angst is back! Hope you all enjoy! Angel is by Sarah  
McLachlan.  
  
Spend all your time waiting  
for that second chance  
for a break that would make it okay  
  
I'm lying in my room and I can hear Gil putting Lindsey to bed. It's my  
first night home from the hospital, and I'm terrified. The first couple of  
nights at the hospital I was fine, I was too drugged up to be scared. But  
after that, I started waking up every night with horrible nightmares. Gil  
had been there every time, but he shouldn't have to see me like that. He's  
already doing so much for both Lindsey and I. I wish I could tell him how  
much I appreciate it.  
  
there's always some reason  
to feel not good enough  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
  
But for all the time he's spent with me the past couple of weeks, we  
haven't really talked. I'm afraid to, afraid to face this thing between  
us. And it's annoying, because before this happened, I was never a fearful  
person. But I'm not who I was anymore.  
  
I need some distraction  
or beautiful release  
  
I'm interrupted from my thoughts by a shift of the bed. I turn my head to  
face Lindsey, who grins at me and gives me a careful hug, "G'night Mommy".  
I return the hug and grin, "Night baby".  
  
memory seeps from my veins  
let me be empty  
and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight  
  
When she leaves, my eyes start to drift close, but I fight the sleep I feel  
coming on. I'm waiting for Gil to come back first. It takes the  
nightmares longer to come if he's there when I fall asleep.  
  
in the arms of an angel  
far away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
  
Despite my best efforts, I'm almost asleep when I feel him stroking my  
hair. I try to open my  
eyes, but I can just make out him shaking his head, "It's okay, go to  
sleep."  
  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
  
"I'll be right here."  
  
so tired of the straight line  
and everywhere you turn  
there's vultures and thieves at your back  
  
I can't move. My stomach hurts. I'm in a room all alone. But them I'm  
not alone. He's there. He's there, and I can't get away. It's just me  
and him. Where's Gil? He said he wouldn't leave me.  
  
and the storm keeps on twisting  
you keep on building the lie  
that you make up for all that you lack  
  
I try to twist away, try to escape, to get out. And I hear laughter  
ringing in my ears. Again and again, the laughter.  
  
it don't make no difference  
escaping one last time  
  
Suddenly, I shoot straight up in bed, screaming, "NO!!!"  
  
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh  
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees  
  
And then the tears come, both from fear and pain, great racking sobs that  
shake my entire being.  
  
in the arms of an angel  
far away from here  
from this dark cold hotel room  
and the endlessness that you fear  
  
And he is there, holding me close, rocking me back and forth.  
  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
of your silent reverie  
  
Protecting me from the monsters in my head.  
  
you're in the arms of the angel  
may you find some comfort there  
  
He continues to rock me, murmuring into my hair, "It's okay. It's over,  
it's over. Everything's going to be okay."  
  
you're in the arms of the angel  
  
And as I begin to drift back asleep, this time wrapped securely in his  
arms, I believe him, if only for a moment.  
  
may you find some comfort here  
  
TBC 


	17. Not Alone

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 17-Not Alone  
  
Summary: You're caught in a one way street/ With the monsters in your  
head/ When hopes and dreams are far away and/ You feel like you can't face  
the day/ Let me be the one you call/ If you jump I'll break your fall/ Lift  
you up and fly away with you into the night/ If you need to fall apart/ I  
can mend a broken heart/ If you need to crash then crash and burn/ You're  
not alone  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry it's been so long since I updated. RL has been  
nuts. Hope this was worth the wait. Crash and Burn is by Savage Garden.  
The first 16 chapters of this story can be found at my website.  
  
*When you feel all alone  
And the world has turned its back on you  
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart*  
  
I gently shake Catherine's shoulder as she starts tossing and turning in  
her hospital bed, crying out in her sleep. "Cath, come on Cath, wake up."  
  
*I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you  
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold*  
  
She finally wakes up with a start and I rock her back and forth as she sobs  
into my chest.  
  
*When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore  
Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night*  
  
She's been in the hospital for two weeks, and she's been having these  
nightmares for the past week and a half. And there's nothing I can do but  
make sure I'm there when she wakes up.  
  
*If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone*  
  
I continue to rock her back and forth until she cries herself back to  
sleep.  
  
*When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one way street  
With the monsters in your head*  
  
A week and a half later  
  
After she's said good night to Cath, I put Lindsey to bed and tuck her in.  
I'm at the door and about to go back to Cath's room when a small voice  
stops me. "Uncle Gil?" I turn back around to face Lindsey. "You'll still  
take care of Mommy, even though she's home now, right?" Unable to get any  
words out past my suddenly constricted throat, I simply nod and leave,  
closing the door quietly behind me.  
  
*When hopes and dreams are far away and  
You feel like you can't face the day  
Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn*  
  
I stay with Cath until she falls asleep, then head to the living room to  
sleep on the couch. I lie there for awhile, just thinking of all that had  
taken place in the last month or so. Randall Quincy had been declared DOA  
and cause of death listed as shooting by cop. I had been given the  
mandatory five day suspension, but hadn't gotten into any trouble. I'm  
pretty sure Brass had something to do with that. Upon a search of his  
home, police had found evidence linking him to the murders of 10 women in  
the Vegas area, and we're pretty sure he was good for at least another six  
or seven. I've spent most of my time the last few weeks with Cath, only  
going to work when necessary, doing most of my administrative duties by  
phone, leaving most of the day-to-day stuff with Warrick. I am suddenly  
startled from my thoughts by Catherine screaming. I bolt up off the couch  
and run to her room.  
  
*You're not alone*  
  
She's sobbing and clutching her stomach when I enter the room. I quickly  
go to her and wrap her in my arms.  
  
*And there has always been heartache and pain  
And when it's over you'll breathe again*  
  
I rock her back and forth and whisper what has recently become my mantra,  
"It's okay. It's over, it's over. Everything's going to be okay."  
  
*You'll breath again*  
  
When she's calmed down, I lie down with her and continue to stroke her hair  
as she falls back asleep.  
  
*When you feel all alone  
And the world has turned its back on you  
Give me a moment please  
To tame your wild wild heart*  
  
Things have been getting worse, lately. The nightmares have come more  
often and with more intensity. And at the same time, she has begun to  
withdraw from me. I know she feels like a burden, but she's not. All I  
want to do is be there for her.  
  
*Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night*  
  
I know she must have so many thoughts rattling in her head, so many demons  
that come out to play when she's most vulnerable, but she won't tell me  
about them.  
  
*If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart*  
  
I just wish she'd talk to me.  
  
*If you need to crash then crash and burn*  
  
I want to help.  
  
*You're not alone*  
  
TBC 


	18. Left to Fight

Title: In Girum Imus Nocte Et Consumimur Igni  
Chapter 18-Left to Fight  
  
Summary: Get in line with the things you know/ Feel the Pain/ Feel the  
sorrow/ Touch the hurt and don't let go  
  
Author's Notes: The Hurting is by Tears for Fears.  
  
Is it an horrific dream  
Am I sinking fast  
Could a person be so mean  
As to laugh and laugh  
  
I look at the piece of paper in my hands, the paper that Gil just handed  
me. I'm shaking with the effort it takes not to cry. How could it have  
come to this? How could he do this to me?  
  
On my own  
Could you ease my load  
  
I read the two short lines one more time.  
  
Ariana Jacobs  
Grief Therapist  
  
Could you see my Pain  
  
I look up at him as the tears finally spill over. My voice involuntarily  
cracks as I begin to speak, "A therapist? You think I need to see a  
therapist? What, don't you think I'm strong enough on my own? Don't you  
believe in me?"  
  
Could you please explain  
The Hurting  
  
He looks intently at me and tries to hold my hand, but I snatch it away  
before he can. "Cath, it's not that I don't think you're strong enough. I  
just think it might help if you talk to someone." He reaches again for my  
hand but stops just short of touching it. "I just want you to be okay. I  
don't want you to be alone in this."  
  
Could you understand a child  
When he cries in Pain  
Could you give him all he needs  
Or do you feel the same  
All along  
  
"But I'm not alone, I have you." Then a terrible thought hits me, "You  
want out."  
He shakes his head, "No, Cath."  
I interrupt him, "You're tired of taking care of me, of being here all the  
time." I pause as my voice breaks, "You're leaving."  
  
You've been told you're wrong  
When you felt it right  
  
He opens his mouth but no sound comes out. I knew it. He wants out. I  
steel myself and will my voice not to quaver. "Then leave."  
  
And you're left to fight  
The Hurting  
  
He looks at me, "Cath."  
I don't let him finish, "Get out!"  
  
Get in line with the things you know  
Feel the Pain  
Feel the sorrow  
Touch the hurt and don't let go  
  
I don't look at him as he leaves. In fact, I don't move until I hear the  
door softly close.  
  
Get in line with the things you know  
Learn to cry  
Like a baby  
  
And then I cry.  
  
Then the hurting won't come back  
  
TBC 


End file.
